I'm busting out some fiction 'cause sometimes that's how I roll. Enjoy this glimpse into the life of yucky candy inspired by the appearance of Halloween in the aisles of every store I go to. Rebecca
Some already sat with their Styrofoam cups of lukewarm coffee. Penny had forgotten the cookies. She was having trouble keeping her commitment. The rest of the group was wondering if she
was “back out”. Cigarette smoke drifted
in through the church basement door.
Soon they would deposit their butts in the sand filled coffee cans and
join the others. They sucked in all the
nicotine they could get until the meeting started. It was sad and pathetic. But then, so were they.
“Hi, I’m Smartee and I am yucky candy.”
“Hi Smartee.”
“Now that Halloween is over I know many of us can breathe a little
easier. As many of you know, Halloween
is one of the toughest times of the year to be yucky candy. This is a
participation meeting and remember there is no cross talk. First, I’d like Waxed Paper Orange Thing to
read the treasurers report.”
“I’m Waxed Paper Orange Thing and I’m your Yucky Treasurer.”
“Hi Waxed Paper Orange Thing.”
“Last week we collected twelve dollars, we spent two dollars on chips
and nine fifty on Yucky
literature, leaving us with fifty cents.
Thank you for letting me be of service.”
The other Yucky Candy applauded wildly.
“Thank you Waxed Paper Orange Thing.
Are there any Yucky announcements from the group? Yes Peep.”
“There is a Yucky step meeting this Friday at the senior center,” said
Peep, “it’s a non-smoking meeting.”
The group applauded as Peep sat down.
“Thank you Peep,” said Smartee, “unless there are any non Yucky
announcements we’ll get started. Who
would like to go first?”
“I’ll go,” said Penny, “I’m Penny and I’m Yucky Candy.”
“Hi Penny”, said the group.
“Okay, I know it’s pretty obvious that I’m not really candy, I mean, I’m
a penny, duh. But I started coming to Yucky
Candy meetings two years ago when I saw what was happening to pennies on
Halloween. People would buy candy,
shitloads of it but they would run out, you know. And what do people do when they run out of
candy and they still have little bastards ringing their doorbells? They look around their houses for shit. First they take stuff from their own kids
trick or treat bags, then they start looking through their cupboards. But the really lazy dudes. They just reach in their pockets and start
handing out pennies. It’s fucking
humiliating man. First the good candy,
you know Milky Ways
and Snickers, I don’t have to paint you a picture, then Nerds and Bottle Caps
and shit like that, then me, a penny.
It’s fucking weak, man. Bottom of
the barrel fucking weak. Two years ago
when I was sharing bag space with an unwrapped caramel and some other nasty
dusty shit I started coming here. I owe
you guys a lot. Thanks.”
After the group finished their applause, Waxed Paper Orange Thing spoke
“I’m Waxed Paper Orange Thing and I’m Yucky Candy.”
“Hi Waxed Paper Orange Thing.”
“Thank you Penny for sharing. I
had a really tough week. Halloween is
the worst for me. I mean you guys
know. Look at me. I am everywhere at Halloween. But who really knows me? Who really knows my name? Me and Waxed Paper Black Thing, we show up in
October spend some time and then we’re forgotten for a year. And kids know. When a Waxed Paper Orange Thing or a Waxed
Paper Black thing get tossed into their trick or treat bag they know we’re not
name brand. They know we came from some
cheap ass giant bag of generic shit. And
that’s how I felt when I started coming here.
Like cheap ass generic shit. But,
in these rooms I have found strength. I
know I’ll never be traded for M&M’s, but I also know I’m not the only Yucky
Candy out there. Anyway, thanks for
letting me share.”
The group knowingly applauded.
“I’m Box of Raisins and I’m Yucky, shit I’m not even Yucky Candy, I’m
just Yucky.”
“Hi Box of Raisins.”
“First, I’d like to thank Waxed Paper Orange Thing and Penny for their
share.”
Penny and Waxed Paper Orange Thing acknowledged Box of Raisins with a
nod. Of all the Yucky Candy members, Box
of Raisins appeared to have suffered the most before joining the group. The corners of his box were tattered and
frayed, the group could only speculate as to the condition of his
contents. He was also one of the few to
attend other meetings. They had heard
that he regularly went to the Yucky Fruit step studies.
“As most of you know,” began Box of Raisins, “I was out there a long
time before I found this group.
Sometimes for Raisins we go through a lot before we finally hit
bottom. I mean you start out in, say, a
little kid’s lunch. You get taken back
home, put back in a lunch the next day, fished out of the trash by the teacher,
given to another kid who forgot a snack, taken back home and put in a
cupboard. Then, like Penny, I could
totally relate to what you were saying man.”
Penny and Box of Raisins exchanged a smile.
“Halloween comes. They run out of
candy, they go through the cupboards and ‘oh look’ they find a Box of
Raisins. Into some kids bag you go and
the whole nightmare starts all over again.” Box of Raisins paused. “Yucky Candy saved my life, saved my goddamn
life. Thanks for letting me share.”
After the applause, Fruitcake volunteered to share. Fruitcake seemed unusually agitated.
“I’m Fruitcake and I’m Yucky,” he said.
“Hi Fruitcake.”
“Like some of you I’m not even candy, man, I’m just fucking yucky. What, like I’m gonna go to the Yucky Cake
meetings? Can’t. You know why?
Because cake isn’t fucking yucky man, cake is good. They don’t even have to have a group for
yucky cake because it doesn’t fucking exist except for me. I’m a fruitcake, a fucking joke! I give you Halloween candy big props man, you
made it through. But now it’s fucking
November. Merry fucking fruitcake
Christmas!”
Fruitcake began to cry. He was
usually so tough, a rock for everyone, literally a rock. But as Christmas approached he always had a
really hard time. He had been coming to
the group for years. The group assumed
it was the same fruitcake. They had
heard the rumors, the jokes about how there was really only one fruitcake that
just got passed around from year to year.
Tough life, a fruitcake.
“I’m Hollow Chocolate Bunny and I’m Yucky Candy.”
“Hi Hollow Chocolate Bunny.”
“I’m in a really good place right now.”
“Yeah,” said Fruitcake, “You’re fucking Easter candy dude!”
“Fruitcake,” said Smartee, “I’m sorry there’s no cross talk.”
“Sorry man,” said Fruitcake.
“I’d like to thank everyone for their share,” continued Hollow Chocolate
Bunny, “so, yeah, I’m in a really good place right now. I went on the Yucky retreat and it was super
awesome. We all got mantras. So now when I feel bad about being hollow and
everything I just say, ‘Your expectations are not my responsibility. I’m hollow and that’s okay’. Because at the retreat I really learned a lot
about myself. And I learned that I was
feeling super guilty about being hollow.
That I was, like, ‘owning’ everyone’s disappointment in my lack of
solidity. And I just could not take that
on. I had to make that someone else’s
problem. So, right now I’m feeling
really good about being hollow. So next
time there’s a Yucky retreat you guys should totally go. Thanks for letting me share.”
After the group’s applause, Smartee spoke.
“First, I’d like to thank everyone for sharing. I can relate to so many of you. I know most of you know my story but this
Halloween marks my tenth birthday so I wanted to share. For years I didn’t really know I had a
problem. I thought I was social candy,
you know, like Sweet-Tarts. But then I
started to notice I was different. You
can buy Sweet-Tarts in regular stores anytime you want. They are always available, socially
acceptable. But Smartees? Halloween only. Like Waxed Paper Orange Thing I came to
realize I was a different kind of candy.
You can only buy Smartees in weird bulk packages and only once a
year. I’m not normal candy like
Sweet-Tarts, Normies as we like to say.”
The group chuckled softly.
Smartees continued.
“I’m Yucky Candy. Thanks for letting me share.”
The Yucky Candy applauded wildly,
nodding their affirmation. Smartee spoke
again.
“Do we have any newcomers here?” he said.
In the back of the room an odd looking visitor stood. He was pale orange, a little dented and
slightly spongy looking. Peep and the Granola Bar sitting next to him
noticed a sickly sweet odor as he stood.
“I’m Circus Peanut and I’m Yucky Candy.”
“Hi Circus Peanut.”
Circus Peanut winced at the loud enthusiastic greeting.
“I’ve never been to anything like this before and I’m really
nervous. But a few days ago I think I
finally realized that I’m Yucky Candy.
Like for most of you, Halloween is really hard for me. I mean I’ve never had a wrapper, no one is
ever happy to see me, but I think I finally hit bottom. I was spending a lot of time with lots of
candy. Not so much in trick or treat
bags or cupboards but in a dish. I hung
out with mints, peanuts, jelly beans, lots of different stuff. Then last week as everything else was
disappearing from the dish I realized, I’ve been sitting here for years. Seriously, years. Christmas candy, malted milk eggs, orange
slices, candy corn; year after year and there I was. Just sitting in the dish getting hard and
stale. Going nowhere. Then, a few days ago it was just me and a
starlight mint. You know those, there’s
a lot of them in baskets at Mexican restaurants. Anyway, someone picked up the mint. And it finally hit me. I am Yucky Candy. So I came here.” Circus Peanut hesitated,
unsure as to what to do next, “Thanks for letting me share.”
He sat down during the group’s applause.
The Granola Bar patted him encouragingly as he sat.
“That’s all the time we have,” said Smartee, “I’d like to thank our
Yucky treasurer Waxed Paper Orange Thing and Penny for coffee set up. I’d like to welcome our newcomer, Circus
Peanut and I’d like to thank everyone who shared. Now after a moment of silence for the Yucky
Candy in and out of these rooms I’d like you all to stand and join me in the
Yucky affirmations.”
The group stood and recited the Yucky affirmations together. Circus Peanut looked around at this room of
Yucky Candy and other Yucky misfits and felt more at home than he ever
had. He thought of a Maple Cluster he
once knew and a couple of Boston Baked Beans.
They belonged at this meeting too. But he knew they would have to come
to the realization themselves that they, like he, were Yucky Candy.
